I hate the Bachelorette. I hate the Bachelor. I hate that host who is a slightly taller and uglier version of Ryan Seacrest. I hate people who say they go on TV to find love, but in actuality want to launch a career of D-list celebrity, making cameo appearances as an extra on some show starring a Kardashian.

And I vomit when people are surprised when the inevitable break-up between Bachelorette and the guy who doesn’t really like the Bachelorette, but is just so competitive that he’s willing to throw himself on the sword and actually spend time with that woman, talking about how amazing the amazing blue water is in amazing Figi.

In the same way that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings, every time a season of the Bachelorette ends, a bunch of guys in the real world begin to cry uncontrollably after realizing that if this is the woman ABC chose out of thousands of applicants to feature as the fun, sexy, smart girl to showcase to America, it must be really slim pickins out there. I mean if this is the best girl America has to offer, the applications for the priesthood and the monastery are going to become more competitive than Harvard Law.

Tonight what’s-her-name who makes Fran Drescher seem like America’s sweetheart will pick between some sentimental grape-stomper who probably has a tough side and some manly construction guy who probably has a softer side.

Promise me one thing tonight wine guy or construction guy: that if that annoying, self-absorbed woman calls your name tonight, that you’ll immediately take that rose and try to stick the thorn into your jugular. Only then will you avoid the awful fate of having to actually spend time with her minus the free booze, the free trips, the ability to actually look at other women and realize who you are stuck with.

There is nothing worse than when the Bachelorette meets the real world.

**Writer’s note: Usually my idiotic rants involve more sports than hatred for reality TV. My apologies for straying. Become the 44th person to follow me on Twitter at www.twitter.com/JohnDedman.

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