This is a no-brainer. Forget Jon Gruden, Bill Cowher, the offensive coordinator from the Saints, Jim Tressel, Jim Mora, Jim Mora Jr., and anyone who has been a coordinator with the Denver Broncos for less than 11 months.

The perfect man to be the next coach of the Indianapolis Colts is sitting by the phone, waiting on that call. “We have a collect call for John Madden. It’s Indy. They want to talk.”

You might say he hasn’t coached since the year Yao Ming or Jessica Simpson was born. I say the facts don’t lie. Let’s break it down.

John Madden doesn’t like to fly. He drives an RV across most of the country. Indiana elected a Governor after he drove an RV all over the state.

Unless Morten Andersen comes out of retirement, the Colts are going to have one of the NFL’s oldest placekickers in Adam Vinatieri. John Madden was the best thing that ever happened to really old placekicker Pat Summerall.

John Madden was a defensive coach at San Diego State. The last defense-focused coach at San Diego State is loved throughout Indiana and that’s even as the head coach at Michigan. John Madden enjoys a hearty meal. Indiana loves coaches with a little bit of a gut. All we’ve heard around here is how much Howard Mudd and Tom Moore are missed.

Colts fans are worried they’ll need a coach who can draw up plays on the fly in case Peyton Manning isn’t out there to navigate the calls at the line of scrimmage. No one – NO ONE – works the telestrator like John Madden. Imagine what he could do with a white board without Al Michaels annoying the hell out of Madden while he’s trying to highlight the pulling guard and a guy eating a hotdog in the third row.

John Madden made a habit of rewarding strong play on the field with a turkey leg. We all saw those Thanksgiving Day games on FOX. The Indianapolis 500 rewards strong driving with a bottle of milk. Imagine how hard the Colts would play if Madden was handing out fried tenderloins.

Colts fans, don’t overthink this. Follow the facts…and the trail of empty bags of pork rinds that leads directly to John Madden.