A few hours before the 2012 NFL season kicks off, I offer you the 32 reasons why there won’t be a winner of Super Bowl XLVII. You might think I’m an arrogant SOB for picking 32 reasons, but it’s not because the 2012 NFL season opens on my 32nd birthday. It’s just that the NFL happens to have 32 teams.
Buffalo – Remember last season when the Bills started 3-0 and then gave QB Ryan Fitzpatrick $60 million? Remember how the next 13 games went?
Miami – I know football is a “team game,” but you need a few stars and household names. Quick. Someone name me three Dolphins. And remember they cut Ocho Cinco three weeks ago.
New England – Good chance the Red Sox will find a way to sabotage the Patriots’ season as well. Probably by showing up to their locker room at noon on Sundays with cases of beer and buckets of chicken.
NY Jets – The offensive line and running game have regressed dramatically. If Mark Sanchez throws a strike, the wide receivers will drop it. If the wide receivers get open, Tim Tebow will one-hop it to them.
Houston – It’s not brain surgery on how to stop the Texans’ offense. Put nine guys in the box to contain Arian Foster and double-team Andre Johnson with the other guys.
Indianapolis – The Colts are running the Ravens’ attacking defensive scheme. Problem is they are running it without Ed Reed, Ray Lewis, Terrell Suggs, and Haloti Ngata.
Jacksonville – Maurice Jones-Drew ended his holdout over the weekend. That doubled their projected points per game from 3 to 6.
Tennessee – Two years ago Chris Johnson was running 4.2 40-yard dashes and went for 2,000 yards. Now, Jake Locker might be a better runner than he is.
Baltimore – Ray Rice will be winded by Week 10 because the Ravens are going to give it to him 40 times a game. And then Mondays through Saturdays, Ray Lewis beats the crap out of him in drills at practice.
Cincinnati – This is the first time since 1948 that Marvin Lewis hasn’t needed to make the playoffs to keep his job. The Bengals only seem to perform with that sense of urgency. And this team is boring withouth those T.O.-Ochocinco public access talk shows.
Cleveland – Captain Hook would be their #1 receiver. Seriously, Kathy Griffin has more talent than their wide receivers.
Pittsburgh – The defense is old. It’s so old Paul Ryan guaranteed his changes to Medicare would not affect them.
Denver – Broncos fans will have to hope that Peyton Manning and Brandon Stokley connect like it’s 2007 and pretend like neither of them had to sit out a recent entire season.
Kansas City – Their entire offense is coming back from a collective knee injury and the defensive front seven is full of former first round picks that you totally forgot about.
Oakland – Years ago, the Raiders used first-round picks on a QB and a kicker – only the kicker is still on the roster. Their three QBs are Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart and Terrelle Pryor. Good luck.
San Diego – Norv Turner has been on the hot seat for years. This is the year the ax falls. Side note: The only career that Tila Tequila sabotaged quicker than her own was Shawne Merriman’s.
Dallas – The Cowboys will hold 10-point leads in the fourth quarter of every game this season until Tony Romo throws two interceptions, one of which will always get returned for a touchdown.
NY Giants – Tom Coughlin printed shirts for the entire team with the motto “Build the Bridge.” If that doesn’t get you fired up to repeat, I don’t know what will.
Philadelphia – Don’t worry, gang. Michael Vick is going to play this year in some sort of NASA-produced bullet-proof flak jacket. So, he’s guaranteed to miss only 9 of the team’s 16 games.
Washington – If you received .5 fantasy football points per drop, Pierre Garcon would be the top wide receiver in every office league. In real football, it hinders offensive production.
Atlanta – The Falcons lost their defensive coordinator to Auburn. He had that really sweet mustache and the huge wristband with all the plays. You don’t overcome that.
Carolina – The easy reason would be the dreaded sophomore slump for Cam Newton. But, for that to be true, he also would have experienced the dreaded freshman 15. Bigger cop-out reason: they are in a division with a ticked-off New Orleans and talented Atlanta.
New Orleans – They require an interim coach for their interim coach because he’s suspended six games. If they are paying their attorneys more than $3/hour, the team will be bankrupt by Week 7.
Tampa Bay – Chip Kelly realized he had more talent at Oregon than he would have with the Buccaneers’ roster. So he turned down the job.
Chicago – Jay Cutler and one of the girls from The Hills had a baby. Not a good sign when the country collectively made a “Hey, Jay Cutler did have a completion last year” joke.
Detroit – Recently, the Lions have made the Portland Jail-blazers of the late 1990s/early 2000s seem like model citizens.
Green Bay – It’s only a matter of time until the entire offense pops a groin celebrating a TD with the “Discount Double-Check” belt thing. The Lambeau Leap thing was much safer.
Minnesota – Adrian Peterson only has one good ACL. They need him to have at least six good ACLs: two to run the ball, two to play wide receiver, and two to cover the opponent’s best wideout.
Arizona – A lot of times, competition for starting jobs in camp means you have viable options and it brings out their best. The Cardinals just have John Skelton and Kevin Kolb.
San Francisco – At some point this year, Jim Harbaugh is going to get so angry he headbutts a guy who is wearing a helmet. It will not be pretty.
Seattle – Talk about Russell Wilson all you want, but this is the least-talented USC team that Pete Carroll has had. And, Matt Leinart quarterbacked several of those USC teams.
St. Louis – I don’t care if it was the first week of the preseason, they lost 38-3 to the Colts.
Good to have you back, NFL.